So, it was easy, huh? There were five key tests hidden in that wee passage and no-one got all five.
- Tense: the second ’seemed’ in the first sentence should be the same tense as the first one.
- Punctuating direct speech I: you need a full stop (period, in US parlance) after ‘towel’ because the direct speech and the following text are both main clauses in their own right, independent of each other.
- Cutting a dash: ellipsis implies that direct speech has trailed off; direct speech that ends abruptly requires a dash.
- the all-important hyphen: constructions such as half-lost almost always take a hyphen.
- Punctuating direct speech II: you need a comma after ‘don’t’ because the following text is a reporting clause. As a warning is usually emotionally stronger than normal conversation, an exclamation mark (point) would also have been fine.
So, here’s what I would have done with it. Now, I’m not saying that it’s perfect. In fact, I could spend several hours debating the need for the comma in the first sentence (really, I could). And I will happily debate the finer points of grammar and punctuation if you disagree with anything I have done.
It seemed like Ash had done a lot for the girl, and none of it seemed in the slightest bit selfish.
“I’ll get you that towel.” Riley shot out of the door as Spencer mused on the young teenager’s ridiculous level of energy.
Spencer stood, slightly sodden, in the middle of the room. A vent in the ceiling blew soft, warm air on her shoulders and Spencer half-lost herself in the weather until she was pulled sharply out of her reverie.
“Rile, I’m just going to -” Ashley stopped abruptly as she caught sight of Spencer standing in the middle of the room.
Spencer turned around and Ashley’s expression darkened immediately.
“Who touched you?” The anger in her voice was practically solid.
“Ashley… don’t,” Spencer warned.
The Boss speaks….
Soooo, after much deliberation and figuring out who got the most of those….
*drum roll*
A surprise late entrant, caused by Payne throwing her hat into the ring and then losing it. She should have stayed out. She didn’t win (sorry Payne), but she did allow the winner a look in
Fred, wanna be my beta while Dev’s away?
26 Comments
Yay for FRED!! Sorry to everyone else.
wow, that was so unexpected…um yeah sure! God this will be so much fun!
HA! I did my bit. No thanks required, I already know. =P Kidding…kinda.
Freddie, you’re awesome, my gal-pal. But don’t you dare offer me any cheetos or chocolate. Those are my weaknesses, and I do bite.
Still kidding!…kinda.
Hurrah!
Note that dev gets back 2 days after i leave, so I’ll try and have a stock of chapters of SOMETHING in there for posting. So poor Fred will have her work cut out.
On the upside Fred, i’m starting a new one soon, and you’ll get first gander at that.
Plus, you actually speak the same language I do! Stone the Crows mate!
Okay, Fred? Maybe…maybe I do want some cheetos after all…but–but just the cheetos…
*tries to sneak look at new story*
Yup, just the cheetos…
Congratulations Fred:)
Fred is the best beta ever, seriously… I miss my Beta :( But, yeah, you can’t do much better than Fred, she’s up there in Dev Beta greatness….
Great Job, Fred!!!!!!!!!
why thank you, it’s still awesome that I won though.
Payne!!!!Dude, I totally don’t have cheetos…I have apples and peanut butter, the worlds most delicious snack. (I’m a healthy person, what can I say?)
Stokley, you’re just saying that. I’m not that good, Dev has way more experience in this area than I do. I bet she will be able to beta my beta’d job. (is that even a word? beta’d?)
Well I’m glad I speak the same language as you. Give me the work, I’ll do it! (just don’t know how good it will come out)
Thanks again.
*quickly hides the blue editor’s pencil behind my back*
Fred, as if I would even think about it!
Yay, Fred! I no yule do great. Hey, if you ever need a 3rd opinion, let me no. I’m pretty-well qualified because I almost won a Spelling B in the 2rd grade. Hears my entry:
It seamed like Charcoal had done alot for the boy…And none of it had seamed in the slightest bit shellfish.
“I’ll gets you that trout!”… Riley shouted.
Out of the door, as Spencer mused on the young teen-agers” ridiculous level of hormones… Spencer stood. Slightly aroused. “In the middle of the room.”.”.
A vent in the ceiling blew soft warm goo all over her tits and Spencer half lost her-self in the weather, until, she, pushed, her, hands, down-her-pants.
“Rile, I’m just going to…” Charcoal stopped abruptly as she caught sight of Spencer standing in the middle of the room bathed in goo with both her hands down-her-pants.
Spencer turned around and Charcoal caught on fire. “Who torched you”? The anger in her voice rose above the flames. “Charcoal… don’t leave me” Spencer laughed.
*looks worried* Is The Finale gonna get posted? It’s the 4th of July and I need to go set stuff on fire soon. And who the hell cares if CA is on fire. Tradition trumps health and safety every time! UPDATE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
um…ss change your name to SOS, you need help.
Dev, hand over the pencil! It’s my turn for the next few weeks, i’ll take very good care of it I promise. Don’t you worry.
:D
;)
Fred, if you use a pencil all over your screen your bosses will whip your skinny lil’ ass.
It’s a virtual pencil my dear clom!
Hey, do I get a star for 3 weeks???? If so, can it be a heart?
Well…
letting you run riot across the forums seems like a bad idea. But you do get to give me your email address and bra size :D
great…how do you want me to tell you my information???
lol, i’ll email you. I promise. I really have to put that privacy notice up.
Clom, just feed her well and oh, don’t show her pictures of Camel Spiders, I think that’s why she ran away….
;)
Hm…apples and peanut butter…I can settle.
hey now, hey now. I am not afraid of Spiders!!!
Do you have a badge that says “I touched Rose the Tarantula”?
well…uh no. but I am not scared of spiders. I do not scare easily.
Yeah, same, and I don’t have one either. The badge is suppose to show that you need to prove yourself. Or that you have a strange fetish for tarantulas named Rose. So I can believe you now. Just check your shoes before you put them on. 0_0
SS u r fucking hilarious
I’m totally late to the beta party, but I’d still like to comment.
Dev, I see why you would debate the necessity of the comma in the first sentence (I debate with myself about commas all the time), but I don’t think you need it. The sentence flows just fine without the seemingly forced pause in the middle.
I don’t know if I agree with you on the ellipsis vs. dash argument. Usually, a dash is used when the speaker stops abruptly as a result of a physical or verbal interruption that does not allow him/her to finish. If the speaker stops on his/her own volition, an ellipsis should be accepted to demonstrate an unfinished thought. I don’t know if this is another one of those things that vary between American-English (which is what I’m used to) and English-English, but I’m just going by what I’ve seen through the years.
And I’m terrible with hyphens, so I most likely would have missed that. I never know when to use them, so I end up hardly ever using them at all unless I already know something is hyphenated without having to think about it. Even with something as simple as the word “no one,” I wouldn’t have even thought to hyphenate it like you did (though both are correct in the dictionary).
Oh, and I’m SO glad you used “had seemed” as a test. I HATE when people incorrectly use that tense and just throw the word “had” in front of any past tense word they use. That irritates me more than any other grammatical error.
Speaking of past tense words, I have a question. I don’t know if you can answer it, but I’d like your opinion as the resident beta around here. I’ve read a lot of fics in which the author used the word “drug” as the past tense form of “drag” instead of “dragged.” All the writers that I’ve seen do this are from various countries outside of the U.S. So, is that a common English-English use of the word or did they just write it incorrectly? I hope I don’t offend anyone by asking. I’m just curious. I don’t see why there are different rules for the English laguage in different countries. Why can’t there just be standard English across the board? That must make things even more difficult for people who have to learn English as a second language.
PS. Please forgive any errors you find in this comment. While I was finishing it, I scrolled back up to click the link posted about hyphens, thinking that it would open in a new window, and lost the whole thing. So, in my haste to remember everything I said and retype it, I may have made some mistakes.