Previously: Chapter 25 – Tu novia está loca [A]

So, new chapter [in your face, Packs!]. No Ashley, but more Arthur and Paula. Thank you to anyone who’s still reading this, in spite of my pitiful updating schedule.

Rating: U.

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Chapter Twenty-Six: A Mi Manero

Spencer stared at the ceiling, hoping that its ridges and whorls might contain some ancient wisdom that she seemed to be lacking. In the two hours, eighteen minutes and however many seconds that she had been doing this so far, nothing had been forthcoming, but you could never tell when inspiration might strike. It had to be said, however, that it was probably time for her to throw in the towel on this occasion.

Having been zoned out for so long, she allowed herself to slowly become aware of the sounds of the house. Along the hallway, she could hear both light humming and the scraping of furniture being moved, which probably meant that her mother was cleaning the floor in her parents’ bedroom. From further away, obviously the kitchen, she could hear the faint sound her father’s voice singing along with what she suspected was a Spanish-language version of My Way. This could only mean that he was cooking chili: he always played something like the Gipsy Kings or the Buena Vista Social Club when he was cooking chili. It was for authenticity, he would always claim. The fact that her father didn’t speak any Spanish at all never seemed to dissuade him from his lusty, off-key harmonies.

Sitting up and letting her legs dangle over the side of the bed, she looked at her bare feet. They were no more use than the ceiling in helping her collect her thoughts and come to some decisions. Sighing, she got up and made her way downstairs. She smiled softly as she reached the kitchen doorway and saw her father shaking his hips vaguely in time to the flamenco music, while he sang words which sounded somewhat like those of the song he was listening to, but were no form of Spanish that she’d ever learned in school.

“I have a situation which requires the considered professional advice of a registered social worker wearing a ‘Kiss the Chef’ apron and singing badly in Spanglish into a wooden spoon,” she commented, walking into the kitchen and pushing herself up onto the center island. Dipping her finger into a nearby bowl of pico de gallo, she grinned. “Know any of those?” Plopping her finger into her mouth, she gave a few quick breaths. “Whoa! Extra hot!” she noted.

“Just like the chef,” her father chuckled, turning the volume down on the CD player and leaning back against a counter. Looking down at his apron, he said, “Well, I am a registered social worker and I am wearing a ‘Kiss the Chef’ apron, but I know not of this ’singing badly’ of which you speak. Will I do?”

Spencer’s heart swelled with adoration. There were times when she wondered if it was possible to love her father any more. She made a face, indicating that she was considering his offer and finding it only mildly palatable.

“Eh, I suppose you’ll have to,” she agreed.

“So, what can I do for my favourite daughter today?”

She opened her mouth to speak, but then stopped, frowning. Deciding to go with the circuitous route, she asked, “How did you know you were in love with Mom?”

He smiled back at her in understanding, his small smirk giving away the fact that he knew his daughter well enough to know where this was going. Folding his arms over his chest, he tilted his head in the gesture that she had inherited from him. “She was in the school yard, standing talking to her other friends. I mean, I sort-of knew her already. We’d been going to the same high school for four years, after all. But something made me see her differently that day. It was, I don’t know, like a movie or something, like the whole world went into slow motion and faded away and there was just me and the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. And she looked over at me, just a little sideways glance, and she gave me this little smile and I knew, there and then, that, one day, I would marry her.”

“And when did you tell her?”

“That I wanted to marry her?”

Spencer shook her head. “That you loved her.”

He chuckled. “Same question, really. You have to remember that this was Ohio back in the Dark Ages. Real men didn’t discuss their feelings. But it was about a year later and we were both freshmen. I was coming out of a psych mid-term and she was waiting for me. She was sitting on a bench and she’d obviously been crying. I knew that there was nothing that I wouldn’t do to make her happy again, to make her smile. And she told me that she was pregnant with your brother. I didn’t even need to think. I told her that I was in love with her and that, if she’d have me, I wanted to marry her and look after her and our baby.”

Spencer smiled. She’d heard versions of these stories before.

“Why are you asking, Button?”

She sighed and shrugged.

“I know you’re desperate to tell your old man,” he prompted.

“I…” She shrugged again. “It’s just…”

“You don’t know how to tell her?”

Spencer nodded miserably. She had never known how to talk to Ashley which, of course, had always been their problem. She felt her father move to stand alongside her and lay his hand on her knee, squeezing encouragingly.

“Has she told you?”

This time, she shook her head and scooted to the edge of the island, allowing her father to gather her into a warm hug. She suspected – or perhaps she just hoped – that there had been a couple of occasions when those words had hovered on Ashley’s lips, too. At first, it had just been something that Spencer had thought didn’t really need said. And then it became something that hadn’t been said. And now it was this thing, this new obstacle that she couldn’t seem to get past. The most annoying thing was that, back in college, they had been able to say it easily. But, then, they had always had the excuse that it was about being friends. It never had been, of course, but they had both been unable to admit that. This was not like then; if either of them said it now, then it meant exactly what it was meant to mean. It meant commitment, a future, forever. Feeling it was the easy part. She had felt that for as long as she could remember. Admitting that she felt it was a whole new world of the unknown.

“I love her so much, Dad,” she whispered. “But I’m so scared of telling her.”

“Why?” His tone was full of surprise and confusion.

“Because I’m terrified of losing her!”

Arthur Carlin pulled back and looked at his younger child, soothingly stroking her cheek with his thumb. “You know that makes almost no sense, Button?”

“But it does. I was in love with her before and I lost her, Dad, and I don’t think I can stand losing her again. I felt like I was going to die last time.”

“Spence, come on! First of all, you didn’t lose her because you were in love with her. And, second of all, did you ever really stop being in love with her?”

“No,” she replied in a tiny voice.

“Then, surely that shows that being in love with her brought her back to you?” He smiled when she just shrugged. “Did you tell her last time?”

“Kind of. Not really. No.”

Arthur rolled his eyes. “Did you ever think that it didn’t work out last time because you didn’t tell her?”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe?” he asked teasingly.

“Probably,” Spencer allowed.

“Spence, no-one ever said that love was easy, but you need to tell her, if only to make yourself feel better. I have to say that I’m not sure what you’re so worried about. Everything about that girl says that she’s head-over-heels in love with you. Have you seen the way she looks at you, like her whole world revolves around you? Do you recall that she’s the one who asked you out? Never mind that, have you seen your car?”

“I know.” The Mustang was, without doubt, the finest present she had ever received and it meant that she was constantly reminded of Ashley every time she got into it, not that there were many moments in her day that weren’t filled with thoughts of Ashley anyway.

“You need to tell her how you feel, no matter what the consequences, otherwise this will eat you up inside. Not that we aren’t always happy to have you here, but you can’t come running home to your mother and me every time you want to hide out from her. You’re a big girl, Spencer, and you know the right thing to do.”

“Not hiding out,” she retorted petulantly, sounding like anything but a grown adult. “Ash is in New York,” she explained.

The truth was that, because they spent almost all of their time together in Ashley’s apartment, she no longer felt truly at ease in her own home. It didn’t even feel like her place any more. It was more like a spare closet across town, a safety net that allowed her the illusion that she and Ashley weren’t really living together. She often found herself gravitating towards Jen and Pete’s when Ashley was away, especially if, like this time, it was over a weekend. Jen and Pete were back in Philadelphia visiting Jen’s parents, however.

“Ah,” he replied, as if that explained everything.

“What?” she prodded.

“So, you’re missing her?”

“Yes.”

“And you think – what? – that while she’s on the other side of the country, she’ll suddenly change her mind about you two?”

Spencer realised that her irrational fear that the time and distance apart would make Ashley come to her senses and see what a mistake she was making sounded somewhat foolish, but she really couldn’t stop herself from feeling that way. Every time Ashley headed off on a business trip – and that had been on six separate occasions in the four months since they had been officially going out – she went into a mild panic.

“But love didn’t keep us together last time. I mean, what if I say it and she doesn’t say it back? What if she’s just giving it a second chance for old times’ sake? What if all she’s interested in is, you know, um…” She flushed a deep shade of red.

“I take it that you have no concerns about the physical side of your relationship, then?” her father laughed.

Spencer shook her head vigorously. Of all the things that might be lacking in their relationship, passion was not one of them. With eight wasted years to make up for, they could still hardly keep their hands off each other. Even thinking about it just then, Spencer could feel a frisson of desire pass through her and she wished Ashley was there with her, just so she could touch her. In Ashley’s arms, everything made sense. In Ashley’s bed, she was certain that they communicated their need for each other perfectly. The problem, as it always had been, was that, when they were apart, she felt the doubt and fear pressing down on her.

“We don’t talk about us. We never have,” she admitted. “Sometimes, what we have, how I feel about her, is so huge and overwhelming that it’s like some kind of fairy tale. And it’s almost not real. And, if I say it, if I tell her, then it becomes real. And we’ve never been very good at facing reality,” she added wistfully.

“So, you’ve been in love with this girl since you were eighteen and you’ve never once seen fit to tell her?” Her father sighed. “Do you know how crazy that sounds, Spence?”

“I know. Believe me, Dad, I know. The number of times that I wished I’d been brave enough, the times I’ve looked back on, even in college, and think ‘If only’. But, the longer I leave it, the harder it seems to be. What should I say? ‘Hi, I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember. I just never mentioned it before because I’m a big coward.’?”

Arthur threw his head back and laughed, the lines around his eyes crinkling. “Well, the first part’s good, but you might want to skip the second bit.” Seeing his daughter’s look of admonishment at his amusement, he put on his most professional demeanour. “I think you already know what you have to do, Spencer. You need to talk to her. You know, joking aside, you could do a lot worse than telling her what you’ve just told me. Tell her that you’ve wanted to tell her more times than you can count, but that you were scared. Because she probably is, too, Spence. Being in love is meant to be scary. That’s what stops us from entering into it lightly and giving our love away too easily. But you know all this. If you’re looking for me to reassure you that you’re doing the right thing, then you definitely are, Button.”

He slipped his arm around her shoulders. “Life with your mother hasn’t always been easy, and you know we’ve had our problems, but I don’t regret one moment of loving her. Even if we hadn’t been blessed with having you and Glen, even if Glen hadn’t come along unexpectedly and made me propose when we were only nineteen, I’d have wanted to spend my whole life with her because she’s the best part of me. I can’t imagine a world without her by my side. And if that’s how you feel about Ashley – and I strongly suspect that it is – then both of you deserve the chance to know the kind of happiness I’ve had with your mother.”

A subtle cough in the doorway alerted them both to the fact that Paula was standing there. Her eyes were a little too bright, as if unspilled tears were causing them to shine more than usual. Clearly, she had heard at least some of their discussion. It seemed that Spencer was fated to have all her private moments in this kitchen overheard. She watched as her parents shared a secret smile, the kind you keep for the other half of your soul, and she knew instantly that her father was right. She knew that she should have the courage to say something, anything, to Ashley.

“Ashley?” Paula asked, already knowing the answer.

Spencer nodded. “Isn’t it always?”

Coming to join her husband and daughter, Paula lifted her arms, placing one hand on Arthur’s shoulder and the other on Spencer’s cheek. “Your father’s a wise man. You should listen to him.”

She nodded. “Yeah, I know, Mom.”

“Besides,” Paula grinned, “I’ve already bought a hat and I still need an excuse to wear it.”

Rolling her eyes dramatically, Spencer murmured, “One step at a time, Mom. One step at a time.”

“Surely a mother can dream?” Paula was pretending to be offended, but her eyes danced with laughter.

“Mom, I need you to listen to me because I’m telling you as simply as possible that it’s still too soon.”

Her mother rolled her eyes. “Nearly nine years is not too soon.”

Arthur chuckled in agreement with his wife and earned himself a glare from Spencer. not even pretending to be contrite, he squeezed her shoulder affectionately.

“Why do I even bother coming round here?” Spencer asked rhetorically. “All I get is picked on!”

Paula kissed the top of her daughter’s head. “Because we love you. And because your dad makes the best chili in the world.” She kissed her husband softly on the cheek in a lingering way that made Spencer almost embarrassed to be witnessing it. “Now, why don’t you go back to your room and call your girlfriend while your father and I have a little chat?”

Spencer looked between her parents and saw the intimate gaze they were sharing. It was definitely time to leave before she saw further things that might scar her for life.

“I’ll, uh, yeah…” she commented, as she slipped out from between her parents and eased herself off the kitchen island. “I’ll just… Yeah.”

No-one was listening.