Keep Me a Secret: Chapter 6

Previously: Chapter 5 [A]

For Mel, from Sezje, who also says Oh I am so getting in trouble with the fans for this (and probably also the purveyors of religious literature). You have been warned.

Rating: X. And not in the good way.

* * * * *

Chapter 6

Four Jaeger bombs have not not really done a great job of sobering me up. Luckily, my intention is the opposite of sobriety, so it’s going rather well from that point of view. My plan of matching Ashley drink-for-drink has gone right out the window, though. I am well ahead of her, although she does look like she might be catching up. I am almost certainly going to win, though, because every time I look at my best friend laughing with Aiden, I toss another drink down my throat.

I pour another Jaeger shot into the tiny, sticky glass and put it down with a shaky hand.

“Yeah!” Greg yells. “Another one!” He slings his arm around my shoulder and hands me a Red Bull. He is very, very close, too close to help me with my next drink, that’s for sure. But I know that’s not really what he’s after.

A sideways glance at Ashley shows that she’s pouring herself another drink as well. I dump the Jaeger into the Red Bull and throw it down my throat. It burns going down and I grimace as Greg throws his arm around me again, one hand getting almightily close to a grope.

“Chug, chug, chug,” the blond idiot says, despite the fact that I have already downed my drink in one go. My eyes slide sideways: I am still unable to look away from Ashley for more than half-a-minute. The brunette is now busy swallowing Aiden’s tongue.

Turning away, I find my own face is planted in Greg’s unfortunately sweaty chest. It isn’t pleasant, but it is significantly more pleasant than what happens next. I have never actually met a boy who could kiss properly. I suspect it’s because my lips are meant for Ashley. Greg is doing nothing to change my mind about this. He seems to think that kissing involves getting as much of his tongue in my mouth as possible. He smells of sweat, beer and Jaeger. The Jaeger is probably the least unpleasant of the three. He also tastes of Jaeger which is almost certainly a good thing.

When he finally stops sucking my face long enough for me to get a breath of air, I hear laughing and cheering behind me. Turning around, I blink through my drunken haze at Aiden who is making the most noise. He then has the temerity to high-five Greg. I would roll my eyes but it’s too difficult when the room is spinning so fast. I can just see Ashley, who has a strange smile on her face. Reaching out to steady myself against the kitchen counter, my hand hits the bottle of Jaegermeister, which is now very low indeed.

“You want another one?” Ashley’s dulcet voice floats through my mind as though carried through vibrating mud.

“Huh? Uh… yeah.”

I want you, is what I’m actually thinking.

“Sheesh! Party on, Spence!” Aiden says, scrambling for another can of Red Bull.

“I think she needs to slow down,” Ashley says, her face now a haze of worry. Or perhaps just a haze, since I’m now blinking rapidly.

“Fuck that,” I hear. It takes me a moment or two to realise that it’s my own voice. The shock of my words and my tone are registering on my best friend’s face. “More is better,” I comfirm.


“Hey, babe, if she wants more, more she gets.” Aiden slams a glass of Red Bull down in front of me and, without me knowing how, another glass of Jaeger lands in it.

I don’t even taste it go down.

It’s only after his lips hit mine that I realise I have grabbed Greg’s head and made him kiss me again.

Anything is better than looking at Ashley and Aiden.


* * *

My luck with boys hasn’t really been all that good. I’ve mostly ignored them because my focus has been so firmly set on Ashley for so long. When Daniel first came around, I barely noticed him. He wasn’t like the rest of Aiden’s jock friends. Not that I tried to pay a lot of attention to them, either, but they were loud enough to get the barest of notice in my eyes.

He was introduced to me as Aiden’s cousin, although that was only if you took into account the ‘twice-removed’ and ‘third cousin’ nature of the relationship. At any rate, he was a distant relative. That had immediately put me off wanting to know him; even then, my opinion of Aiden could only have been raised with an industrial crane and a significant amount of cash.

But Daniel had grown on me. It started when I first noticed him sitting by himself at a table in the school courtyard. I had a free period but I’d spent most of it in the library studying since Ashley had Spanish. It was a blustery, overcast day, which was unusual enough in itself. It meant that most of the kids were indoors finding more or less constructive things to do. And Daniel wasn’t. He was sitting out in the courtyard, up on a table with his feet on a bench.

He was also reading.

Reading of one’s own accord was not something that the people around me did that often. The fact that I knew the difference between a verb and a noun had given me the automatic title of ‘bookworm’, and that was without being seen publicly with a copy of Travels With Charlie.

“Steinbeck,” I murmured when I was close enough to be heard.

He looked up. For the first time ever, I noticed that he had green eyes.

“He’s my favorite,” Daniel grinned at me. “I can’t help it.”

“He’s pretty good,” I agreed, sitting myself up on the table next to him. “I like East of Eden better, though.”

He grinned and I noticed his white teeth. White teeth and green eyes were good. Curly brown hair that hugged his temples was good, too.

And that was how it began. At least, that was how our friendship began. Daniel turned out to be friendly, intelligent and likeable, all the things that I would never have expected from a friend of Aiden.

The ironic thing was that Ashley seemed to waver between sheer exultation that I seemed to be taking an interest in a boy – and Aiden’s cousin at that – and annoyance that my attention had been diverted away from Ashley herself.

In fact, Daniel was a good distraction from the fact that Aiden and Ashley were getting hot and heavy, almost literally, in fact, and often in front of me. Since the two of them were spending so much time together, I was left alone a lot of the time. Given that Daniel was the only other person I enjoyed talking to, it was natural that we drifted towards one another.

Ashley was convinced we were more than friends immediately. She would pester me non-stop until I almost wanted to scream at her. Daniel and I were just friends, although I did instinctively know he wanted more. I, of course, was not planning on pursuing that. Even then, I knew I was all about Ashley and, somehow, I held some hope. Besides, Daniel was my friend and the last thing I wanted to do was ruin that.

Of course, it was Ashley who changed all of that. It was always Ashley. My whole life, since I was a tiny girl, it’s been Ashley who’s guided my every footstep. I am not my own woman. I belong to someone else and she plays me like a marionette. She did back, then too.

I remember it like it was yesterday: sitting on Ashley’s couch in her room, watching reruns of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

It was a Saturday afternoon. I’d spent Friday night at home finishing an assignment so that I could spend the weekend with Ashley. Normally, that would have annoyed the hell out of her because she rather expected me to be at her beck and call even then, as she still does now. It didn’t, because she’d been on a date with Aiden.

I even remember what she was wearing: blue jeans and a beat-down rugby top that had the buttons of the collar open, open enough to show off her tanned skin and give a very slight hint of cleavage. I remember that clearly. Her hair was still slightly damp, despite having used a blow dryer. She must have showered.

“So, last night…”

When she began the conversation like that, I was completely unaware of where it was going.


“Had a pretty good date.”

I so didn’t want to hear about it. “Mmmm.” It’s amazing how easy it was to be engrossed in Will Smith’s ridiculously high-cut hair when I didn’t want to be having that conversation at all.

“We had sex.”

I knew Ashley had been trying to get my attention. Now I knew why she’d been trying. I remember it vividly because she got my attention and she got me to look at her, which had been part of her agenda.

Funnily enough, she looked more worried than I’d anticipated. I remember that vividly too. She was chewing her lip and looking at me through hooded eyes, and I could see that this was one of those moments when Ashley wasn’t being the ‘outside Ashley’ that she presented to the world, but the ‘real Ashley’ she showed only to me.

She was scared of what I’d think.

I picked up her hand, wrapping my fingers through hers.

“Are you okay?” I asked her softly.

She nodded. “Yeah. I mean, it was my first time so…”

I couldn’t help it. I reached over and hugged her. Hard. “I thought that was supposed to be a good thing,” I laughed when pulling back. “You look like someone stole your pony.”

She grinned. “Naah.. I just… I wanted to tell you and I didn’t… I didn’t…” Her breaking off worried me more than her slight blush and the fact she looked away. Ashley was not normally one to lose her words.

I grabbed her chin and gently turned her face back to mine. Right now, all I wanted to do was both kiss her and simultaneously die. She’d had sex with Aiden. She’d lost her virginity to Aiden. She didn’t know it, but my heart was slowly disintegrating inside me and soon I’d be dead on her couch. She didn’t realise that the simple words she’d spoken – ‘we had sex’ – were causing me physical pain.

But she was scared and I couldn’t be having that. I was her best friend. Best friends were supposed to be there.

“What?” I ducked my head down, bringing our eyes back in to contact. There was a long silence.

“I don’t want you to think I’m a slut,” she said in a rush.

Slowly, I let a smile creep over my face, fake as it was. “Ashley Davies, you sleep with one boy, your boyfriend of two years no less, and you think I’m going to think what?”

She grinned sheepishly. “Uh… yeah.”

I shook my head. “How could you think I’d think that?”

“Well you’re the good one. You’re the … I dunno, ‘pure’ one.”

To that, I snorted.

She narrowed her eyes at me. “You are! And what you think means something to me. I just… you know… I needed you to know but I didn’t want you to think… Christ, I don’t know what I didn’t want you think, so long as it wasn’t bad of me.”

I tilted my head to one side. The grammar in that sentence had gotten so complicated I’d stopped following her about three words in, but the sentiment rang through.

There was a lot of silence. a lot of empty space before I found the words inside me to say the right thing. She’ll never know what effort it took me, even though it was one-hundred-percent true.


* * *

My head is spinning and it won’t stand still. I know I got here somehow, but I can’t exactly remember how. After the sixth or so Jaeger bomb, I wasn’t in the room any more, let alone on the planet. So, now that I”m sobering up a little, it’s not exactly pleasant.

Less pleasant is that Greg is still using his tongue. He’s kissing me, without me bothering to kiss him back, although he doesn’t seem to have noticed. I think I may have passed out there, although it’s possible I’ve just been completely out of it but awake for the last period of time.

I am still very drunk.

I’d have to be, or this wouldn’t be happening.

This bedroom is unfamiliar to me, even though I know Aiden’s house nearly as well as Ashley’s or my own. It must be one of the spare ones. The bed is big enough, and Greg’s body is pushing me down into it.

I can feel his hand on my breast, kneading in a way that’s both painful and entirely pointless. Now that my head is defuzzing just slightly, I’m feeling just a little too much of all of this. I wonder if I should stop him and send him to get more alcohol, just so I can do this.

Because I need to do this.

I need to do something to get her out of my head and off my body and away from me. I need to cover myself in filth or Greg or something. Anything will do: I just need to get Ashley out of me. But, at the same time, this was a lot easier when I was mostly unconscious.

I can feel his erection pressing against my thigh. At some point, he’s pulled my skirt up, although thankfully not all the way.

His sloppy mouth pulls off mine and I turn my head away before he can kiss me again. His hand pulls on my nipple and I groan. He thinks it’s with pleasure, not pain, so he does it again. I grit my teeth. Because I’ve turned my head, he’s now attacking my neck with teeth and sucking. I will have the most appalling bruises there soon. This is no more pleasurable than what his hand is doing. I feel him push his hips against my thigh, rubbing his erection into my skin.

I try not to vomit.

Through my hazy vision, I can see a bottle of vodka on the bedside table. I reach out and grab it.

Greg doesn’t even notice.

Three swigs later and I put the bottle down. It rolls off the bed and falls on the floor.

Greg still doesn’t notice.

Good thing it was empty. My brain throws that thought into the air, and I wish I was drunk enough to not be thinking at all. I wait for the vodka to set in.

The other thing that Greg doesn’t notice is that he’s the only one actually participating in this sex. He’s now grinding in to me, and I think he’s just about ready to pull it out.

I really need more vodka. I’m lying here under him, and I know I’m just letting him do his thing. But, hey, isn’t that what I”m supposed to be doing? I’ve had too many play-by-plays of Ashley and Aiden’s sex life not to know that sex can be different to this. Hell, sex with Daniel was very different to this, but I’m a teenage girl and I think this is what sex is supposed to be for me.

The only sex I’m ever likely to enjoy would be with Ashley, and that will never happen. The universe tempts me with making me think that one day it will but, deep down inside, I know it never will. So this is all there is for me.

I may as well give Greg what he wants.

He moans in my ear, reaching down and shoving the hand that was under my shirt under my skirt.

I decide that, no matter how much he asks and how drunk I am, he’s not getting a blow job.

I close my eyes and try to pretend that I’m more drunk than I am, that the vodka has set in and that I’m not actually sobering up.

I fail.

His hand reaches my underwear and I close my eyes.

This is all life is going to give me.

And a tear rolls down my cheek.

* * * * *

Next up: Chapter 7 [X]


  1. dev0347
    Posted 27 December 2009 at 8.16am | Permalink

    I don’t care that it’s uncomfortable reading. It’s true. Wrong, but true.

  2. Posted 27 December 2009 at 8.33am | Permalink

    oh please God, someone come through that door!

  3. Clom
    Posted 27 December 2009 at 8.59am | Permalink

    aww kiddo..

  4. peanut
    Posted 27 December 2009 at 9.09am | Permalink

    … I am not sure if I want to read that … I haven’t yet … Do I want to?

  5. peanut
    Posted 27 December 2009 at 9.34am | Permalink

    Ok, I read it.
    I’m so happy I never had unpleasant, unwanted sex in my life.
    And I really don’t get why anyone would do that, drunk or not.

    Daniel seems nice though. Maybe we’ll get to know him at some point?

  6. cosmic
    Posted 27 December 2009 at 9.43am | Permalink

    sucks but yeah i hate to think that spencer is settling but being hurt makes you do a lot of stupid things. thats reality for you

  7. chelle5432
    Posted 27 December 2009 at 11.52am | Permalink

    That is completely heartbreaking!

    I’m really not liking Ashley in this story so far, all she seems to be doing is taking advantage of the friendship they have. However Spencer, she, I love! And I hate that she’s just getting crushed more and more.

    Aiden, I just want to slap silly. He’s so fecking irritating.

    Fantastically written as always Clom!

  8. kpd
    Posted 27 December 2009 at 12.33pm | Permalink

    I know that you had warned us on your author’s note and I was already expecting something not so good to happen but it was still heartbreaking actually reading it.

  9. LyricalHarmony
    Posted 27 December 2009 at 3.33pm | Permalink

    I agree with Dev, it sucks, but so true. :/

  10. Calgirl
    Posted 27 December 2009 at 5.51pm | Permalink

    Fuck, Spencer has reached the truly self-destructive part of this unrequited love thing. Also, Jaeger is the devil.

    I hate the fact that Ashley knew the excessive drinking was out of character and dangerous but then just shut up when Aiden told her to. I think its 100% exactly what would happen at a high school party. And makes sense for the character, who is used to partying and maybe thinks Spencer could stand to loosen up anyway.

    But I don’t really think Ashley is good enough for Spencer even as a friend. Ashley gets someone to help her with school, a surrogate family, someone who is loyal and loves her unconditionally. Spencer makes up for everything she doesn’t have. And in return she can’t even tell her boyfriend that no another drink right now isn’t a good idea.

    Realistic and really well written.

  11. Noodlesmls
    Posted 27 December 2009 at 5.52pm | Permalink

    Man, I remember those feelings. Needing someone, anyone to take your mind off “her.”. Thankfully I didn’t have to have sex with a boy, but I did get wonderfully drunk and left with a girl who I just knew I shouldn’t have. It worked because she liked me back and it was more than I was getting at the time.

    Spencer is gonna go through a world of guilt, regret, fear, and blah. Poor girl.

    And I hope Santa was good to you!

  12. BG
    Posted 27 December 2009 at 6.04pm | Permalink

    I had a friend who went through a very similar scenario. Just wanting to forget. Unfortunately for her, it didn’t work and just made things worse. It spurred a lot of good conversations about getting what you want out of life though.

    Tough situation but great writing Clom.

  13. Lindsey
    Posted 27 December 2009 at 8.46pm | Permalink

    Personally, I was hoping/thinking Spencer was at least still a virgin during that scene where Ashley told her about sleeping with Aiden, because in my naive mind, it’s always more special when Spashley lose it to each other, but by the end of the chapter, I was so glad to read that Spencer wasn’t a virgin, because that is no way to lose one’s virginity. Even though obviously losing it to Daniel, assuming that’s who she lost it to, wasn’t ideal either, as she wasn’t in love with him or really attracted to him, at least he was someone she liked and wasn’t disgusted by, etc.

    I agree with everyone else that Ashley sucks in this. Not because she’s stupid enough to be with Aiden, but just in general. She’s not even a good friend, from what we see. She’s always making out with Aiden in front of her – which imo, is a shitty thing to do to a friend, whether they’re secretly in love with you or not. She’s always ditching Spencer for Aiden, and Spencer is always saying how Ashley expects her to be at her every beck and call and all that shit. That’s not a friendship, imo. That’s Ashley thinking she owns Spencer, and she gets to call the shots when they hang out – which seems to be just when Ashley can’t hang out with Aiden.

    I really hope Spencer calls her on her bullshit and soon. I don’t even know if I want her to tell her about her feelings, as I’m sure Ashley would just, like, laugh at her, tease her about it, not take it seriously, and then have sex with Aiden right in front of her or something. So annoying.

  14. Calgirl
    Posted 27 December 2009 at 10.10pm | Permalink

    I am so sorry to comment twice. I am like a step away from a troll.

    I just wanted to amend my comment to say that I know that Ashley cares for Spencer a lot. And I even think she probably has feelings for her. But would have no clue how to love someone who isn’t a douchebag. I don’t want to bag on her because the description of her has been great. But that being said, she wasn’t the friend Spencer needed at that party. She wanted to be and then let one word from her boyfriend change her mind. And I think the push into the dirt that cemented their friendship may also be a recurring theme in a more subtle way (but that Spencer sort of gets of on that in a way too).

    I think maybe Spencer is letting herself become a martyr to her unrequited love. Seeing herself as constantly deprived of the only thing that will make her happy means she embraces things that will make her miserable (like Greg). That isn’t Ashley’s fault.

  15. Fishtosea
    Posted 28 December 2009 at 12.06am | Permalink

    I am very. very sad now. Happy, but not happy.

  16. satincanopy
    Posted 28 December 2009 at 7.30pm | Permalink

    I loved the reality of this update. I have been in Spencer’s shoes and made horrible mistakes trying to purge myself of the one I wanted. I really hope Ashley interrupts before Greg gets those panties down. LOL. I really am not a fan of Ashley in this but I am giving her the benefit of the doubt that she isnt aware of Spencer’s feelings. I would love for a gay girl to show up at school and her to pursue Spencer or Spencer to entertain the idea of a gay relationship to Ashley. I love the way this story isnt all fluff. I am bored of the 4 chapters and they meet and then are married fics.

    Love all of your work. I stalk this site!!

  17. janeevening
    Posted 30 December 2009 at 6.00pm | Permalink

    stupid spencer, teenager yeah.

  18. tee452
    Posted 8 January 2010 at 1.10am | Permalink

    Ugh, that was misery. And I just know it’s going to get worse. I am powering through though!

    And yeah, I agree with someone up there^^. Sooo needed to see that Spence isn’t a virgin.

    Thanks a ton for writing this, Clom. It’s not easy to read. And I know it must not be easy to write. But it’s definitely worth it.

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