Keep Me A Secret: Chapter 14

Previously: Chapter 13 [A]

This will be wrapping up in a few chapters actually. It was never meant to be a terribly long story. So enjoy it while you can.

Rating: AA, for swearing and light sex.

* * * * *

Chapter 14

I shouldn’t do this. I shouldn’t let her do this. I really, really shouldn’t give in. For a few moments, I don’t. When her first kiss lingers, I push her away and stare at her. She doesn’t flinch. She stares back. Her dark brown eyes are heavy with arousal.

She licks her lips. She tastes me on her and her eyes look even darker. She wants me. I can see it in her face that she wants me.

Words cannot express the war that rages inside me for this very second. After everything the last week has thrown at me, that the last evening has thrown, I really know what I should be doing.

I should be pushing her away. I should be getting out of her bed and walking away. Actually, what I should be doing is yelling at her; asking her what the fuck she thinks she’s doing; making her explain to me why it is she thinks she can have me and have Aiden, too.

What I really shouldn’t be doing is grasping her by the back of the neck and pulling her back in for another kiss. I shouldn’t be letting our clothes come off, so that our skin can slide, sweat-slicked, against each other. I really, really, really shouldn’t be letting her drag her mouth all the way down my body.

The things she does with her mouth make me almost scream. She makes me pant and she makes me moan; she makes me beg; and she makes me orgasm so hard I think my teeth might break. She makes it happen more than once.

I make it happen to her.

We’re dynamite in bed. It takes no more than two rounds for me to know that. Ashley and I have chemistry beyond anything I have imagined. It overwhelms me every time I’m near her, but I need to make it stop.

I can’t make it stop.

When I wake up, I’m dizzy and my head is fuzzy. I didn’t have anything to drink last night but I feel completely hung-over. A glance at the clock shows that it’s 7am. A quick calculation tells me that I’ve been asleep for a whole two hours. Sex with Ashley has kept me up all night and I don’t recall complaining to her about it.

I don’t recall saying much more than a few epithets, her name (a lot) and sounds that were unmistakably erotic in nature. And I can hardly protest to her since she knows that I was right there along with her.

Ashley is asleep. She’s in that level of sleep that I know I couldn’t rouse her from if I tried. Not that I want to. I’m far, far too scared to wake her up.

Worse than not knowing what Ashley is doing, I’m far more frightened about the fact that I have no idea what I’m doing. What am I doing with her? What am I doing with myself?

I’ve been in love with Ashley for as long as I can remember. Never once did I think I might actually get as close to her as I have. Sure, I’ve daydreamed about it. But when I have, it was never like this. In my dreams, she fell in love with me. In my dreams, we were together, properly.

We weren’t fucking late at night and pretending to be nothing more than friends during the day. In my daydreams, I certainly didn’t feel like I was being used.

Now I don’t know what I feel. The things I feel when I’m with Ashley late at night are better than anything I could possibly have dreamed of. The things I feel in the morning, when I’m not with her, when we’re not together, are worse than my nightmares.

I consider waking her up anyway. The options are flying around my head. There’s a tiny part of me that wants to wake her up by kissing her, by sliding my hands all over her body. Possibly, I want to wake her up by sliding myself down under the blankets and showing her that I can do the things she can do, showing her I haven’t forgotten the lessons from last night.

That part of my brain is mostly suppressed by the sensible part of me, and that’s throwing up two other options: I can leave; or, I can stay and make her talk about this.

I’m fairly sure that if I stay, though, I’ll chicken out. I won’t confront her and I won’t actually sort this out. And, if I don’t sort this out soon, I’m going to go crazy.

I want her, but I don’t want her like this.

Is it unfair that I want her on my terms? I don’t think what I’m asking is too much. If she wants me as much as I want her, then it won’t be unfair at all. And if she wants me on her terms, then I can’t be with her.

I shake my head, trying to get the fuzz to move.

I need to wake her up. I need to sort this out.

I turn around to look at her. My heart flips. Just looking at her makes me ache and reminds me of all of those things that I love about her: her sense of humour and the way she can so effortlessly make me laugh; the way that, in her own Ashley style, she cares about me; the way she drags me out of my own little world – and my own head – and makes me live in the world.

She’s my best friend and I’m in love with her.

So, I leave because I can’t face the truth that, if I stay, I could lose everything I have.

* * *

“You left in a hurry on Saturday,” Ashley says, dumping herself in the seat next to me.

“Homework,” I reply non-committally.

This is not the first time we’ve talked since that night. She called me on Sunday afternoon and chewed my ear off for an hour about her mother and the newest boyfriend. I murmured and put in the occasional monosyllabic reply, but she really just wanted a sounding board.

Of course, she didn’t talk about what happened on Friday night.

Of course not.

“You do too much homework, Spence You’ve gotta live a little.” She stretches and then takes a bite out of her apple. “You should come out with Aiden and me tonight.”

I try not to choke on my breath.

“Uh.” Is she for real? She cannot be this obtuse.

“There’s this poetry slam on at Café Mocha. I reckon it’ll be a total riot.”

Yes, but I don’t want to hang out with her and the douche-bag. I want her to take me on a date. This is not a flash of inspiration. Over the last few days, with the increasing sickness in my stomach, I’ve come to accept that things are going to come to a head very soon.

When Aiden comes into the courtyard, I close my notebooks. I’m going to move to the library because I can’t put up with him right now.

Before I can actually make my exit with some excuse, Ashley stands up and stretches again. This time, when her shirt rides up and shows some of my favourite skin, I don’t feel the usual thrill; I just feel sicker.

What she does next, though, actually makes me want to faint.

She walks over to Aiden, throws one arm around his neck and kisses him long and deep. Normally, displays of PDA are Aiden’s forté and Ashley just goes along with it. This is more than that: this is Ashley, without words, telling me exactly how things are.

She’s telling me exactly where I stand.

So I do the only thing I can possibly do: I turn on my heel and leave.

* * *

I don’t go to school the next day. I can’t face it. Normally, it’s not that hard to get my father to believe I’m ill. My mother, on the other hand, is a lot harder to fool. As a consequence, I’ve had three whole sick days in my entire school career.

I don’t have to put it on, though. I’m feeling sick enough that my mother takes one look at me, and my pale face, and orders me straight back to bed. I lie there, wasting the morning away, until I get the strength to shower.

Mostly, I’m steeling myself for the fact that tomorrow I’m going to have to confront Ashley. I haven’t eaten for days. I can’t keep going on like this and I know it. She probably knows it, too.

I’m in my comfiest clothes and downstairs making soup when the doorbell goes.

It’s Ashley.

Only she rings the doorbell three times in a very Bart Simpsonesque manner. My whole family knows when she’s at the door.

What the hell is she doing here in the middle of the day?

Should I ignore it?

The doorbell goes again. She’s not giving up.

I make my way to the door, ignoring the fact that I’m in track pants and a University of Ohio sweatshirt that belonged to my father, and I open it.

It is Ashley and she’s alone.

“Cuttin’ school?” She’s grinning at me, leaning up against the door-frame. “You could have at least let me know so we could hang out.”

“I’m sick,” I say back. My voice is flat and emotionless because I’m afraid if I let any feelings creep out, I’m going to fall to pieces.

“Sure.” Her brow furrows. “We’ll just hang here, then.”

Pushing past me, she saunters – because she never just walks, she always saunters – into the living room and dumps herself on the couch.

“Uh…” I close the door.

“DVD afternoon?”

“Ash.” I stand in the doorway to where she’s sprawled on the couch. “I really am sick.”

She snorts. “Spence, you’re never sick. It’s cool. We’ll just chill.”

My voice falters. “Don’t you have school?” She snorts again. “Ash…” My voice is down to a whisper. I can’t handle this. I thought I had the whole day to sort out my head before confronting her, but now here she is in my living room and I no longer have the ability to just spend time with her and pretend that my heart isn’t my heart.

I can no longer pretend that my brain isn’t my brain.

I can no longer pretend that Ashley and I haven’t irrevocably changed.

It hurts. It physically hurts.

She pops her head up over the sofa. “Spence?” I think I might cry. “What’s wrong?”

“You don’t know?” The silence is deafening.

“Spencer -”

“What are you doing?” I wail. “How can you do this?”

“Do what?” Her face looks confused. “Spencer, what are you going on about?’

“How can you just come in here and pretend like nothing’s been going on?” My body shakes. “How can you just -”

Ashley stands up. We’re confronting each other. We’re having this conversation.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes, you do. You know exactly what I’m talking about. We’ve been sleeping together, Ashley. We’ve been fucking. And you’ve been ignoring that fact for weeks.” I take a breath. “You’ve been ignoring me for weeks.”

“That’s ridiculous! I have not been ignoring you for weeks. Why the hell else would I be here?”

“I am not your quick fuck, Ashley.” Whoah, where did this come from?

“Um, okay. I never thought you were.”

“Ashley, are you still with Aiden?” Left field. That seems to be the best way to keep going with this conversation. It’s how it’s been running thus far anyway.

She doesn’t answer, so I just keep going. I am Spencer the Bulldozer. I could be a BBC children’s show, possibly written by an ex-member of the Royal Family.

“You are with him. You have no intention of being with anyone else. You’re using me, Ashley.”

“I’m not… I’m not using you. You’re my best friend.” It sounds lame to my ears, coming from her.

“And you normally sleep with your best friend?”

She bites her lip. I wish it wasn’t cute. “Not normally.”

“Right.”

“Spencer… it’s not -”

“It’s not what? It’s not you fucking me on the side?”

“I thought you wanted it!”

I close my eyes, squeezing the tears behind the lids before they can fall down my cheeks. It stings.

“Not like this,” I whisper, to myself more than her. “Not like this.”

“I thought it was… just some fun.”

My eyes spring open. “Some fun? Some goddamn fun?” My voice rises like the slope on Mount Kilimanjaro.  “I’ve been your best friend for… for… forever! How the fuck can I just be some… fun!”

“Spencer, it’s not like that.”

“Like what? You’ve done this before.” It’s not a question: it’s a statement. The flash of inspiration that hits me makes me know it’s true before the expression on her face confirms it.

“Well, girls are…”

“Girls are what, Ashley?”

“Fun…”

Man, I didn’t know my best friend could be lame. Her ears know that too, as her expression changes. I can read her like a book.

“And you were just going to use me like those other girls?” I take a breath. “That was your plan?”

“No… No!” She turns around: dramatic Ashley. “I didn’t think I was using you!”

“So what the hell were we doing?”

“I don’t know! Having… fun.”

“Right, fun.”

She turns to look at me, biting her lip.

“Spencer, don’t look at me like that. Don’t. It wasn’t like that. I thought that you wanted -”

“Wanted what, Ash?”

“Me.”

“I do want you.” I swallow. “But I don’t want this. I’m not… someone you can use on the side. I’m not something you can play with while your boyfriend looks the other way. I’m your best friend.” I said it. But I think I also just ended it. I ended us. “I was your best friend.”

She shakes her head. “Don’t say that.”

“Do you love me?”

Left field: my new best friend.

“Uh…”

Oh, boy. That shouldn’t have been a question that stumped her. But, in a way, it’s a good thing because I now have all the answers I need. I don’t need to ask any more questions.

“Because I love you, Ashley. I have for a very long time. As your friend. As more than your friend. I love you.” She doesn’t answer, so I just continue. “And we’re not on the same wavelength any more.” I take a step back and turn into the hall. “So, you have to go because I am really not feeling well.”

“Spencer…”

“Out.” I open the front door and show her the way out, like she doesn’t know where it is.

“Spencer.”

“Ashley, I need you to go.”

This is significant. I have taken a stand. When she walks out the door, that means it’s over and I’m the one pushing her there. I am standing up for myself. I am becoming the Spencer I need to be.

And she…

She just walks out the door.

* * * * *

Next up: Chapter 15 [A]

35 Comments

  1. Clom
    Posted 8 April 2010 at 1.06pm | Permalink

    Lurkers! I saw’d you! 2 votes!! Lurkers!!

  2. cosmic
    Posted 8 April 2010 at 1.15pm | Permalink

    Yay, first commenter.
    I have no words. Putting myself on Spencer’s shoes.
    Gahd, I have no words besides that hurts like a motherf…
    And well at least she grew some backbone or something. She was able to say all the things she was feeling and she was able to get all the things Ashley was clearly not feeling.
    I have no words to describe how sad I am that Ashley can do that to Spencer and then call herself her best friend.
    I seriously want to slap Ashley so hard she will fly off somewhere in the middle of nowhere.
    I guess all of my assumptions where a tad bit correct. Ashley may feel something but she’s not ready. or whatever. Still it doesn’t change the fact that she sucks!!
    Well, I’m a bit sad that this is gonna be over in a few chapters. But hey it was one roller coaster ride of emotions.
    I bow to your greatness in writing.

  3. jen
    Posted 8 April 2010 at 1.45pm | Permalink

    SEZZLE. I love this story. Of course, duh. What I don’t love, is this cliffhanger. I feel like you should post the next chapter pretty much nowish. I mean…you did talk about my tots on FB which is like talking about things on the 6 o’clock news. So, i mean…

    xoxo
    Hey, your girlfriend brought em up, i just… expanded

  4. tee452
    Posted 8 April 2010 at 2.25pm | Permalink

    Finally! **high 5’s Spence** Though it might have been a little bit better for Spence’s mental state if she’d done it before the 2nd round of “fun”, I’m glad she gave Ash the boot when they were both sober.

    I got the most upset when Ash said she was just having fun but she thought that Spencer wanted her. *TSK!* But now, Ash can have her epiphany and make our Spencer happy again.

  5. BG
    Posted 8 April 2010 at 2.49pm | Permalink

    Yay Spencer! Glad you finally stood up for yourself even though it was obviously difficult.

    I can’t relate to Ashley at all in this fic. Perhaps because I have never been one to just fool around. I was seriously stunned when she said, “I thought this was what you wanted.” Really?????

    I guess we will see if Spencer kicking her out brings her to her senses. Either way, good for you Spencer!!!

  6. iocaste
    Posted 8 April 2010 at 3.53pm | Permalink

    Arghhhh!!! Is Ashley that stupid? She should be glad Spencer didn’t slap her. She’d have deserved it! Well done to Spencer for standing her ground!

  7. peanut
    Posted 8 April 2010 at 5.07pm | Permalink

    Ok, don’t get me wrong, cause I really do like this story. But why is it always all about the drama? Can’t it be just simple once? Drama’s so exhausting, even to read costs me a huge amount of energy, cause I don’t understand it at all …

  8. Posted 8 April 2010 at 5.10pm | Permalink

    she did it! Go Spencer Go!

  9. Posted 8 April 2010 at 6.26pm | Permalink

    go spencer she finally put her foot down u go girl :-)

  10. spikkels8
    Posted 8 April 2010 at 6.35pm | Permalink

    I’m not lurking!! :-)

    *jaw drops*
    Holy shizzle! Go Spence. I’m so sad for her but so proud. You show Ash she needs to get her shit straight… or gay… you know what I mean. ;-)

    Awesome as always. I will miss this when it ends. I finally caught up with all you and Dev’s lovely stories.

    *applauds* Thats for all of them btw. The day that you ladies stop writing Spashley will be a sad sad one…

  11. ECIBUTT
    Posted 8 April 2010 at 7.26pm | Permalink

    This story is amazing!!

  12. chelle5432
    Posted 8 April 2010 at 8.35pm | Permalink

    Yes! God damn it. FUCKING YES!!!
    I am SO bloody happy that Spencer spoke her mind, finally!

    I am with BG on this one, I cannot understand Ashleys reasoning behind what she is doing at all. Is she really that dense?

    *high feckin 5’s Clom* Fantastic!

  13. Lindsey
    Posted 9 April 2010 at 12.06am | Permalink

    Wow, I have never hated Ashley more. Or, I guess I have; she has done some pretty crappy things in other fics, but I’ve never hater her more in a fic you’ve written! In this fic! As lame as it was for her to ignore what happened, and to kiss Aiden so purposefully like that right in front of Spencer, I didn’t hate her for it until she confirmed that she knew all along that Spencer wanted her. The fact that she knew that, that she slept with her, ignored it, and then flaunted Aiden in her face like that? Horrible, horrible person. That’s such a bad thing to do to anyone, but to your best friend? Man!

    And she didn’t even say yes to loving Spencer! Even, an ‘of course I do, you’re my best friend’ would have been better than ‘uh’. I hope she gets hit by a bus!

    You go, Spencer Coco!

  14. Afton
    Posted 9 April 2010 at 12.43am | Permalink

    Why are you so disgustingly amazing?!?! Its like really sickening how amazing this is.

    Go Spence! way to stand up! I knew you had it in u

    Because being so amazingly disgusting seemed like the lesser of the two options. **offers anti-nausea medication**

  15. Mel
    Posted 9 April 2010 at 1.03am | Permalink

    Why would I yell at you for this? Okay… you are kinda leaving us hangin’ but…

    Way to friggin GO Spencer! *claps hands*

    especially with the lip biting. She didn’t give in. Good girl. Stand up for yourself.

    *hugs sez tight*
    Fantastic. I can’t wait for more. :)

  16. lee
    Posted 9 April 2010 at 3.13am | Permalink

    Um…Okay. I just had the day from hell. I spent 4 hours with one of my clients in the psych ward. I come home to find an update and I’m so happy. Its like, “hell yes! Now I can unwind.” And I should be happy–after all, I got what I was bitching for…Spencer to do the confront thing…but now I’m just sad. I wanted the impossible–I wanted the romance. Which is odd, because I’m not a very romantic person. Anyway, I look forward to seeing the conclusion and thanks for another stellar update.

  17. Posted 9 April 2010 at 3.55am | Permalink

    Woah, I never ever saw that coming. Spencer is usually the ‘You-better-do-this-because-you-love-me’ type.

    Or I think that’s just me being very, very whipped….

    Moving on…Way to go Spencer! You stood up and didn’t sit bck down for a change!

    *Does a weird ballet dance*

  18. somthngIlike2do
    Posted 9 April 2010 at 4.00am | Permalink

    Well written!!! i don’t hate Ashley Im more disappointed with her and the actions that lead us to this. Lets start with Ashley has known all along that Spencer was into her (back with her jealousy for Adien’s cousin). I really think she thought that by dancing and kissing Adien in front of Spencer Was foreplay… I don’t think she liked Spencer spending time with Mikey. In her mind she had seperated the sex from the friendship. Now Spencer , thank you for growing some backbone and doing the the hard thing. Fault is not Ashley’s alone half is your to. You allowed your self to be used. After the first time there should have been a talk and a long talk. Yeah Ash didn’t want to but you should have made her. So you have sex again and she acts like it was no big deal. Than there the realization that your not the first or the last. that had to be a bombshell for yeah eh! I mean it’s your best friend and she fooling around with girls and she didn’t tell you. Yet, you know all about Adien ewww! Now the really hard part starts it the end of a chapter and the beginning of a brand new Book for Spencer. Where does the journey take us?

  19. peanut
    Posted 9 April 2010 at 8.56am | Permalink

    Ok, I know I said I don’t understand the drama, but am I the only one who kind of knows why Ash is doing what she’s doing and doesn’t really blame her?
    Everybody seems to be ganging up on her O_o

    I actually like her character here very much. She’s so unsure and so insecure and so unlike her usual confident self, when it comes to this stuff.
    Maybe she’s struggeling just that little bit more than Spence. She keeps living in denial, cause for the time being it’s the easy way out. The painless one, where she can have it all. I don’t think she’s stupid or never thought about what is happening. She’s risking a LOT more than Spencer, cause she’s got a lot more to lose:
    – The only family she knows
    – her best and only (real) friend
    – maybe herself in the end
    But she took that risk and I give her credit for that. She actually went after what she wanted.

    We’re only getting one point of view here, but for me it’s easier to relate to Ash.
    She’s more living in her head then anyone thinks, I guess. She doesn’t talk to Spencer about everything either.
    On her part she doesn’t know any better yet, while Spencer had it all figured out years ago.

    I’m not sure if I could make myself clear here. I’m not trying to excuse her actions, just to give some insight on what might be happening on the other side.

  20. yeahbutno
    Posted 9 April 2010 at 9.55am | Permalink

    Wow, that could only have gone worse if Ashley had actually made a move on her too.

    I get you Nutter although I think they both have as much to lose as each other but yeah.

    Spence already has it sorted out in her head but was too scared to act on it.

    Ashley was acting on it without having sorted it out in her head. I don’t believe the “just fun” bit, especially with Spence. I suspect all the other girls were just the test drive. I totally understand why she may not have shared it with Spence too *whistles*

    I’m glad that Spencer finally had enough, actually it sounded like she had rather a lot *wiggles eyebrows* and finally called Ash out.

    I wonder what will happen next, Ashley grovelling?

  21. peanut
    Posted 9 April 2010 at 10.09am | Permalink

    I think they both have as much to lose as each other
    (just talking from the point where no one else knows about what’s happening between them)
    I’m not so sure about that. Spence has her family, if things don’t turn out the way she wish for. She’s got some back-up there.
    Ash doesn’t have anyone besides Spence. I don’t think Madison and Aiden could be count here.

  22. bannerman
    Posted 9 April 2010 at 1.18pm | Permalink

    Ash needs to turn around and admit she’s been a total prick, that she wanted Spencer all along but didn’t know how to show it in any other way than being a selfish whore! ;) or… she could go away, lose Spencer as a friend, realise the mistake she’s made, and then come crawling back with her tail between her legs, apologise profusely, ditch Aiden, take Spencer on a nice date, and then take her home and ravage her. To be honest, no matter what she does I’ll still love it as it’s written by you, dear Sez. Sorry I’m lame – my explanation is in my comments on Winter Wonderland! Jx

  23. Lindsey
    Posted 9 April 2010 at 4.31pm | Permalink

    Spencer doesn’t neccessarily have her family. We all know how Spencer’s family can react to her being gay. At least half of her family. And if Ashley is so concerned with losing her best friend and the only family she has, maybe she shouldn’t be screwing said best friend, knowing that best friend has feelings for her, and then ignoring it. How will THAT not lose her her best friend and family?! I think not being a douche to Spencer is a better way to keep her in her life, than fucking her and then pretending it didn’t happen.

    But maybe that’s just me. I don’t really need to see Ashley’s POV to think her actions suck and that she’s acting like a horrible person. It doesn’t really matter to me what’s going on in her head, or what her emotions are, it doesn’t really change what she did – which was sleeping with Spencer, knowing Spencer wanted her, and then pretend it never happened, and make out with Aiden right in front of her/invite her along on dates with them, etc. And then when Spencer is weeping in front of her, she gives her noting, passes it off as having some fun, says ‘uh’ when asked if she loves her at all, etc.

  24. cosmic
    Posted 9 April 2010 at 4.50pm | Permalink

    Trolling again..sorry

    I’d like to say that the way we react to the characters in this fic or any other fic in this site is a testament to how great a writer Clom and Dev are. And how great we are as readers. :)
    We all hate the drama but then it makes it more sweeter when everything falls into place. (I hope)

    Just want to get that out there.

  25. Stacey
    Posted 9 April 2010 at 9.06pm | Permalink

    Omg… Please post again… Go spencer, but I’m hoping that ashley comes to her senses. Awesome Awesome update!!!!!

  26. peanut
    Posted 9 April 2010 at 9.31pm | Permalink

    hahaha
    Don’t worry, cosmic, I really do know that! For sure! ^^

    Lindsey, I was talking from the status being that no one else knows about them ;)
    So maybe it’s not a topic Spence can discuss at home, if it’s not working out, but she still has a home, that’s what I was trying to say.
    And again, I say, I wasn’t trying to excuse her actions! I never said what she did was ok. I was just trying to figure out why she did it.
    On the reaction she gave during the confrontation, I must admit I would have probably done/said the same things … That’s why I avoid stuff like that ^^

    But lets see where all of this is heading now :)

  27. calgirl
    Posted 10 April 2010 at 12.15am | Permalink

    I love this story so much.

    Spencer did that right thing. Even before the sex she was cracking under the pressure of her feelings. Now, she couldn’t let it continue. She would lose herself.

    I don’t buy Ashley’s dumb act. No matter what she says how she behaved while they were having sex and after doesn’t suggest fun. It was unchecked passion not a bicurious encounter. And Spencer was right Ashley kissing Aiden like that in fron of her was a message. Although it may have been a message intended for Ashley herslef, a reminder to herself. Beyond that Ashley isn’t blind she saw that Spencer didn’t want to be around Aiden.

    That being said, I have some sympathy for her. Ashley isn’t a bad friend across the board. She saved Spencer from her almost hook up. SHe is cuddly and adorable with her in other circumstances (the movie watching). Hurting Spencer like that wasn’t ok. But teenagers do make self-involved mistakes. It just seems like Ashley wants Spencer and also wants everything to remain exactly the same.

    Or maybe she is a horrible person and this is going to end very badly. But I hope not.

  28. Guin
    Posted 10 April 2010 at 3.29am | Permalink

    Clom, why must you torture us? Do you see the way my heart bleeds you wicked little devil. Oh well, I suppose I can forgive you as you are super talented and all.

    Ok, Ashley stopped Spencer from hooking up with Greg because she was drunk, but I think in part also because she doesn’t actually WANT Spencer with someone else.

    I think Ashley wants to be the same place holder in Spencer’s life as Spencer is in hers. I get such a misery loves company vibe from her.

    And peanut you did say you were kind of proud of Ashley’s actions which CAN be taken as you’re OK with what she’s done.

    Personally I am still of the mindset that Spencer should not have slept with Ashley again, but given her own understanding of it and how she feels when they are together makes it more understandable for her to go along with it. There is that hope that maybe Ashley will pull her head out of her ass and realize that she does in fact want to be with Spencer, it’s a total fantasy with no basis in reality but that’s what happens sometimes when you’re in love.

    Ashley’s comments that she knew Spencer wanted her and that she was “fun” are at a total disconnect with the whole idea that she never thought she was using Spencer. I give her that she might have been unaware of the depth of Spencer’s feelings, but to know that your best friend harbors feelings that go beyond friendship, and to coax her into acting on them and then pretending like it never happened while you go and make out with your boyfriend in front of her doesn’t exactly say she had Spencer’s feelings at the forefront of her thoughts. ALSO, the fact that Spencer tried talking to Ashley about and Ashley dodged her makes it pretty apparent that she knew it was something more to Spencer. Whichever way you look at it, Ashley is a coward when she has no real reason to be.

    It’s different when Spencer has trouble figuring things out since she does have a relationship with her family that is important to her. So losing that would be a terrible blow to her.

    Ashley on the other hand, as someone pointed out, is more likely to lose Spencer with her current behavior than if she were to treat Spencer like she actually MEANS something. So the excuse that Ashley is afraid of losing her only family doesn’t really fly with me.She wants her cake and to eat it too (God forgive me the unintended pun) with no consequences either way.

  29. peanut
    Posted 10 April 2010 at 9.39am | Permalink

    Hmmmm … Yeah, I see. You mean the part where I said I give her credit for going after what she wanted. Should have phrased that better I guess.

    I’ll just shut up now ^^

  30. Rscheezy
    Posted 10 April 2010 at 7.10pm | Permalink

    OMG…My heart broke bad. -_- Ugh. I feel Spencer, I really do! I never thought i’d say this but uh…Ashley can kiss my ass. even if i’d enjoy that but i don’t like her. =( poor spencer. But Spencer also made a mistake too. She shouldn’t have slept with Ashley again. She should have stopped it, and talked. Tell her what she was feeling, and what this was exactly.
    Ashley, I just don’t know what she’s thinking. Sure i’ll take it that she’s scared of losing the only family she has? but by doing this and calling spencer JUST fun she’s already lost her. And by making out in front of spencer with aident. RAWR! SO FUCKED UP!. I dunno where you’re going with this clom but uh…i hope you make it a happy ending. if not then…you better make another story that’ll make me happy. =( I promise you i will be depressed for a while. hahaha. well i hope you update soon. =) thank you for the beautiful yet horrific update.

  31. Guin
    Posted 11 April 2010 at 2.25am | Permalink

    Peanut, I was actually referring to when you said you kind of understood it and didn’t blame her.

    But in fairness and honesty I didn’t exactly direct quote you before and all manner of Ashley support gets put through the “I love Spencer” filter that exists in my head and becomes slightly skewed and distorted.

    I have never found myself being able to relate to Ashley on any level and have always found her to be vapid and self-centered so when she does her “come here, go away trip” it bugs me in a way it rarely does with Spencer because Ashley doesn’t really have an excuse.

    What I don’t get is how Ashley has known Spencer all these years and probably knows just how long it took Spencer to sleep with Daniel and I’m sure she knows that Spencer wouldn’t just go to bed with someone for “fun” without there being something wrong, like with Greg, how she could know all this and not get that what happened between them probably meant something to Spencer especially since she knew Spencer wanted her. Ashley is selfish but she’s not that stupid.

  32. Fishtosea
    Posted 11 April 2010 at 2.46am | Permalink

    Ashley has really brought me down in this story. I mean, she can’t just talk to Spencer like that and kiss the meat-head…long…and deep…GAH.

    I wanna get rid of Aiden so bad right now. Ashley Davies will aklways be hot though. Always.

    Though she’s kinda being an ass…

    With Nutter right here, shutting up now…

  33. Posted 14 April 2010 at 4.04am | Permalink

    OH, ooohhhhhh! I was not expecting things to come to a head so soon in the story. But I’m glad Spencer finally said everything she needed to say, that needed to be said. When I read “My eyes spring open. “Some fun? Some goddamn fun?” My voice rises like the slope on Mount Kilimanjaro.” out loud I said, “That’s right, give it to her, Spencer” hahahaha. I am even more disappointed in Ashley now. To treat Spencer, her best friend for forever like that, *shakes my head*.

    I hate girls like Ashley is in this story. Those that have sex and like having sex with girls, yet claim they are straight and only have “serious/real” relationships with guys for whatever backwards-reasoned excuse. Disgrace. This made me believe that Ashley did know how Spencer felt, she slept with girls before, and usually girls can tell when someone wants them like that. Not to mention, Ashley said she thought Spencer wanted her, I’m not sure if Ashley knew that Spencer was actually in love with her though.

    Nevertheless, Spencer had to do it. It’s like rippin off a band-aid, only much more painful. She should have confronted Ash after the 1st time they had sex, but I know the situation and restraint is hard. Sometimes a relationship/friendship has to end for someone’s sanity. I was in a situation similar to this, when I was younger, with my then best friend. Not fun. Great update. Do it again soon.

  34. Lnkmstr10
    Posted 16 August 2010 at 4.22am | Permalink

    That sound right there…that’s the knife meeting bone as it’s kicked further into Spencer. I almost cried reading their fight. The fact that Ashley just kept saying it was all just fun…how terrible. And even though it obviously has a deeper meaning, she couldn’t even say something, anything as decent explanation. And of all the times to walk away, this was not one. Fix it, Ashley!

  35. whenanxietykicksin
    Posted 12 December 2011 at 1.51pm | Permalink

    You made me cry. Thanks.

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