All I Want for Christmas, Chapter 18

Previously: Chapter 17 [A]

I have not forgotten about this one!

Rated: U.

* * * * *

Friday, 25 December 2009

She was standing below the window, waiting. She had thrown a couple of small stones at the window already, but to no avail. She had sent a text saying Standing under your window but had received no answer. The house was mostly dark and it was after midnight, so she couldn’t think of anything else to do but wait.

A light came on in the hallway and the front door opened. A barefoot, sleepy-looking Arthur Carlin, wearing sweat pants and a ‘World’s Best Dad’ t-shirt, appeared in the doorway.

“Ash?”

“Hi, Mr C.” She sheepishly walked over to the front porch and stood on the bottom step.

“It’s late.”

“I know. I’m sorry if I woke you. I was just looking for Spencer.”

He chuckled and wrapped his arms around himself, bouncing on his heels a little. “We don’t put her out in the front yard at night, you know,” he joked.

“I, uh, was throwing rocks at her window,” she admitted.

“Ahhh. Of course you were.”

She shrugged at him. In a day of almost entirely inexcusable behaviour, she didn’t have a defence for this particular infraction any more than she had for any of the others.

“Well, I’d invite you in, Ashley, but it would be pointless. She’s not here.”

“Oh.” That thought hadn’t occurred to her. “Do you know -”

“She was heading over to your place. She left about an hour ago.” He yawned and scratched under his arm.

She sighed and looked up at him. “You know, I’m really sorry for everything, Mr C. You took me in and gave me all those great presents and made that awesome meal and you guys were all so wonderful to me and everything and I’ve been a complete ass. I really didn’t meant to spoil everyone’s Christmas. Especially not when it should have been all about Glen and Chelsea’s baby and I went and made it all about me. Like always,” she added bitterly.

“Don’t worry about it. You didn’t spoil anything at all.” There was no rancour in his voice and his eyes were as kindly as ever. “It was definitely ones the most eventful Christmases I can remember, though. It’s hardly every day that you get told you’re going to be a grandfather and that your daughter’s gay.”

Ashley looked away in embarrassment. “Yeah, look, about that..”

Arthur held up a hand to stop her. “It’s really not that big of a deal, Ashley. You were part of our family already. And I think most of us had just kind of assumed that you two were,” he paused as he looked for the right words, “you know, together in that way already. Now, it’s just a little more official.”

“Oh, I don’t know. It’s kind of a big deal to me,” she muttered.

He laughed at her fondly. “Are you okay?”

“With what bit?” She felt despondent. She was confused by everything.

“All of it.”

“Yes and no. I mean, I know I want to be with Spencer, but I don’t know if that means -” She stopped. “What I’m trying to say is, I really don’t know how I go about -” She stopped again. Despite how much she liked Arthur, she felt awkward saying too much about how overwhelming she found her feelings for his daughter. Plus, she didn’t want to embarrass him by over-sharing. She shrugged. “I guess I’m just having a hard time working out how I feel and dealing with it.”

“Look, all I can tell you is that you need to face that part head on with Spencer herself.”

“Yeah, I know. Running away maybe wasn’t the greatest idea.”

“No, it wasn’t.” He quietly shut the still-open door behind himself and walked down the front steps to stand next to her. “You’re a good person, Ashley, and I can tell that you love Spencer very much -”

“I do!”

“I know that. And she loves you, too. We all do.” He pulled Ashley into a hug, resting his cheek against the top of her head. She resisted it awkwardly at first, but felt herself letting her arms slip around Arthur’s waist. “No matter what happens between you two, I want you to know that this will always be your home and you’ll always be welcome here.” He placed his hands on her shoulders and pushed her far enough away that he could look into her eyes. “And if I does work out, then I couldn’t be happier that my daughter has found someone who loves her and takes care of her. All a father can ask for his children is that they’re happy. And you make my little girl happy.”

“Yeah, well, not right at the moment.”

He shook his head at her. “You can fix that. I have faith in you.”

“How, though? How can I fix it?” She didn’t understand why everyone seemed to know about her relationship with Spencer before she did and why they all seemed to believe that she was capable of making it right when she had no idea where to even begin.

“Ah, now that’s just one of those lessons you’ll have to learn for yourself the hard way.”

“Thanks.” It was hardly the most illuminating advice she’d ever received, but she knew that it was at least honest.

“You’re welcome.” He winked down at her and started to turn her back towards the street. “Now, go home and take care of my little girl.”

Ashley couldn’t prevent a startled laugh from escaping. She was pretty sure that the mental image that she now had of how she’d like to ‘take care’ of Spencer was not the one that Arthur had intended.

“I will totally do that, Mr C.” She turned away fully and started walking back to her car. She’d only taken a few steps when she spun around again and bolted back to him. Throwing her arms around him, she gave him a quick hug. “Thanks, Mr C. This means a lot, you know.” She stepped back and grinned at him. “You’re a pretty cool guy. For a dad.”

He threw his head back and laughed. She could still hear his laughter as he disappeared back inside the house.

* * *

Their apartment was in complete darkness as she let herself in silently. There were no lights on and no sound from within that she could make out. Spencer’s car had been in its usual space in the underground parking lot, though, so Ashley already knew that the blonde was there somewhere. She let her eyes adjust to the gloom and scanned the open living area. A set of car keys were on the kitchen island.

Ashley slipped out of her shoes and went over to the door to Spencer’s bedroom. Knocking on it lightly, she pushed the door open and popped her head inside the room. There was no sign of Spencer. She repeated the same process with her own bedroom (even knocking on the door, just in case). Again, there was nothing. It might have been a large apartment, but it didn’t have that many rooms. The upstairs guest bedroom yielded no clues, which left only one possible location. Padding back down the stairs, Ashley stopped in front of the door to the music room. She hadn’t noticed it when she first entered the apartment, but there was a faint glow seeping out from beneath the door that indicated a computer screen was illuminated.

Shaking her head, she thought about what she was going to say. Rather than knocking, she quietly pushed the door open. Spencer was lying on the small couch, her eyes shut, her hands clasped together over her ribcage and a pair of Ashley’s most expensive noise-cancelling headphones over her ears. Ashley felt her breath catch at the sight of the blonde. That she could possibly have walked away from something so perfect, someone so beautiful, now seemed like complete and utter madness. In the moonlight, Spencer Carlin looked like a goddess. In any light, Spencer Carlin looked like a goddess. Her skin was so smooth and Ashley already knew how soft yet responsive it felt against her fingertips. She let her gaze wander down and over the blonde’s torso down to her legs. Spencer was wearing makeshift PJs comprising one of Ashley’s old t-shirts and a pair of board shorts, which afforded Ashley the chance to stare at the girl’s tanned legs.

“You not going to say hello?”

Ashley’s head shot back up. Spencer’s eyes were still closed, but a small smile was playing at the corners of her mouth. She had obviously known that she was being watched.

“Hi.” Ashley felt about two inches tall.

“I hope you don’t mind me coming in here. I was in the mood for something a little classical.” Spencer removed the headphones completely and Ashley could just make out the winter music she had written for Spencer.

“Um, no, I don’t mind.” She didn’t understand why Spencer wasn’t screaming and shouting at her, but she definitely didn’t mind the blonde using any of her equipment. “It’s your room, too.”

“Well, I just wanted to make sure that you got home okay.” Spencer sat up and reached down to the low table next to her to turn the laptop off. “And you obviously did, so I’m going to bed.”

Ashley watched in stunned disbelief as Spencer calmly stood up and walked out of the room.

“Night, Ash,” she murmured on her way past.

Ashley was still silent and unmoving as she heard Spencer’s bedroom door click quietly shut. Something was very wrong. The behaviour she had just witnessed hardly seemed appropriate to the situation. Where was the talking, the shouting, the hurt and offended look? Granted, she wasn’t that familiar with the whole girlfriend thing, but she’d had enough fights in her lifetime to know how they were supposed to go. Spencer hadn’t even given her the cold shoulder, which had been a potential outcome that she had also considered. She had just treated her as if nothing had happened.

Was that what Spencer wanted? To roll back a few weeks to when they were just friends? Had she pushed her that far?

She forced herself to move, to go to Spencer’s bedroom door.

“Hey, Spencer,” she called out.

“Yeah?”

“Can I come in?”

“Sure.”

Ashley opened the door hesitantly. She was still wary that Spencer was too calm and that the wrong move might cause all hell to break loose. She slipped inside the room but didn’t move towards the bed where there blonde was lying.

“I was thinking maybe we could talk,” she began.

“Well, it’s kinda late and it’s been a pretty long and full day.”

“Uh, yeah, I guess.”

“And we’ve probably said enough to each other already today anyway,” Spencer added. There it was: the barbed comment in a clipped tone that Ashley had been expecting. Spencer’s face, however, remained calm, even friendly.

“Yeah, see, I’ve been a complete fool.”

“Yes, you have.”

“Thanks.” She attempted a self-deprecating smile to go along with her tone of contrition. “Well, I freaked. A few times.” She sighed. “And you deserve better than that. We deserve better than that.”

“I’m not disagreeing.”

“And I’m really, really sorry for everything. Well, not everything,” she amended quickly. “Not the good bits. Not the whole you-and-me-together bits. Just the bits where I was being an ass.” She slumped against the wall behind her. “I’m sorry for ruining your day and making you feel in any way like you’re not everything that I want. Because you are. That’s exactly what you are. You are everything I’ve ever needed. You always were, even before I knew that what I really needed. You’re smart and pretty and you’re my best friend and you make me a better person just by knowing you. I really love you, Spence. I just… I love you.”

Spencer had remained impassive during her sudden outburst. Her only reaction had been to sit up and state at Ashley with that head-tilted, half-smile look she often had. She waited a couple of seconds, obviously waiting to see if Ashley was finished, before replying, “Apology accepted.”

Ashley paused, looking to her to continue, but Spencer made no move to add anything. “So…”

“So, again, thanks for the apology.” Spencer smiled politely but somewhat dismissively. “But, you know, it’s after 2am and I just want to sleep, now that I know you’re not out God-knows-where doing something stupid.”

“Oh.” Ashley was even more confused. Spencer now wanted rid of her? Like, permanently? Or just right that moment? As a friend? As a potential girlfriend? As what? “I sent you a text saying I was outside the window, but I meant the window at your parents’,” she added, just to try to prolong the conversation.

“I figured. That’s why I waited for you to get home safely.”

“But you didn’t reply.”

“We’ll talk tomorrow, Ash.” It was softly spoken, but it was firm.

“Okay.” She didn’t want to leave, but Spencer clearly didn’t want her to stay, so she shuffled to the open doorway reluctantly.

“Night, Ash.”

“Yeah. G’night, Spence.”

Now what?