If Only

Okay, this one was as per spikkels8. The pairing is HG/Myka (Warehouse 13) and it’s very short, only 376 words. It has spoilers for Season 5. The song was ‘If Only I’ by Jon McLaughlin.

Also, warning: I didn’t say they were going to be happy. 

* * * * *

I watch you from a distance, because I can’t bring myself to watch you from nearby. If you knew I was here, I don’t know how you’d react.

I’m not sure if you’d leap up into my arms and hold me close. I’m not sure if you’d slap me across my cheek, furious that I have not been there, that I am not with you.

I don’t know.

If only I could speak. If only I could open my mouth and tell you that I’m an idiot and that I made a terrible mistake. If only I had ever really thought I could have you, hold you, keep you and be yours.

So instead, I creep around the edges of this town, and wish I had the courage to come in from the cold. Artie knows I’m here, because somehow he knows everything. And though he is the last person I ever thought would be in my corner, he’s keeping my secret. I stop by and see him every time I’m in town. I bring him cookies and we chat. 

I only visit when I know you aren’t there.

Because I know where you are when you are not with Artie.

You are with him.

He holds you, and he has you and he gets to keep you. You are his and he is yours, and I haven’t felt this level of heartbreak since Christina. In a way, my beloved darling has made me more capable of coping with the darkness, and so I can keep going. 

But I cannot keep away.

Instead I sit quietly, from the corner of a dim cafe, drinking bad coffee, and I watch you walk by. You’re with him. I love him too, but like a brother. I thought you loved him like a brother, too. Instead, I see you with him and my insides boil.

I’m a fool. I’m a careless fool who cannot sleep. When sleep does come, I dream foolishly of you. I think about holding you in my arms and telling you a thousand times over that I would tame the world for you. I would turn back time. I would fold the universe in two. Just for you.

Instead, I watch.

Because you’re with him.